Happy 18th

            Hoje antes de dormir, eu fiquei um tempo olhando para a sua selfie no meu celular. Eu nem sei explicar. Mas sempre me pergunto sobre nós e sobre o futuro. Antes de mais nada eu entendo que isso é irritante. Eu considero meu maior defeito depois da preguiça, essa minha mania em querer controlar o agora e o depois. O hoje e o amanhã. O presente e o futuro. Mas sei lá é meio automático.

          Você já comeu alguma comida tão gostosa que pensou "nossa será que vai sobrar para amanhã?" ou "será que se eu guardar alguém vai comer?" Mas tipo você mal começou a comer a comida ainda, mas já pensa no depois. Não sei se acontece com você, comigo é uma regra. E sempre lá estou eu pensando. Se os seres humanos são considerados homos sapiens sapiens, eu sou uma homo sapiens sapiens sapiens, sapiens, sapiens about future.
           E eu só consigo pensar no futuro. Talvez porque uma das mais longas e importantes fases da minha vida está acabando, o colégio. E eu já quero saber o que vai acontecer depois. E bem, desde que você chegou eu já te considero meu futuro. Não estou falando de eternidade, mas provavelmente eu escolheria você para entrar de novo na minha vida amanhã. Com toda certeza. Sei lá. Eu não consigo parar de pensar no futuro.
              Será que vamos continuar assim? Ou estamos caminhando para uma amizade? Ou talvez esse sentimento que a gente sente vai realmente aumentar e ficar maior? Será que a gente pode se separar ou simplesmente cansar um do outro? Eu já estou literalmente chorando só de pensar. Sério. Preciso de um tempo.
...

           Eu sei que esse texto não está se encaminhando para algo realmente romântico, mas eu preciso saber. Não amanhã. Não daqui 1 ano. Nem 5 anos. Eu preciso saber agora. Você quer realmente fazer isso? Você realmente quer esperar mais uns meses ou até mais um ano para me ver? Seja sincero.

            As MINHAS respostas para minhas perguntas são sim. Mas eu preciso saber de você. Porque existe ainda um espaço no meu coração e na minha mente que está com medo. Com medo de você acordar um dia e decidir partir para o amanhã sozinho. E abrir a gaveta das amizades e me jogar lá para sempre. Isso vai doer claro. Mas é melhor hoje do que no futuro. 

           Eu nem sei o que eu vou fazer se você disser "não" para minhas perguntas. Mas saiba que as minhas respostas não mudarão. Eu conto os dias para te ver, ouvir sua voz e risada, e apostar corridas bobas para te ver perder. Eu mal posso esperar para te ver falando com esse sotaque enrolado e difícil. Ou correndo como um campeão. Ou olhar bem de perto para seus olhos azuis e me perder lá. Beijar seu nariz lindo. E te fazer massagem depois do trabalho. Sei lá. Acho que estou sonhando demais né? As vezes eu posso chegar até as nuvens fazendo planos e é isso que move todos os dias a continuar dizendo para a minha mente e coração, "fica com medo não, vai dar certo". 

           Mas hoje. Como uma criança insegura, eu queria ouvir uma confirmação. Nada de promessas de amor infinitas. Mas quero ouvir se você topa me esperar por mais 6 meses. Porque enquanto você caminha dia por dia, eu e toda essa bagagem de sentimentos já estamos lá no final dos 6 meses. Com uma mochila no rosto e o sorriso aberto, pronta para te abraçar pela primeira vez. E  o que você me diz? Você acha que podemos viver mais 6 (ou mais) 18th ou parar por aqui?

Esse texto foi escrito dia 14. Muita coisa pode ter mudado ou não!

// ABOUT YOU. ABOUT US //

We could have known each other while I crossed the street distracted, listening "The staves" loudly. Humming alone like the world didn't exist. You could be spending the summer here to escape the snow that covers the window of your room. Or simply, you could be any Brazilian boy that asked for coffee at the same time as me to the waitress in the green apron.

But no. 

Of course, after my 7987845629103 disappointments, I only really wanted to lay my head on my pillow and to think of nobody, just me. But life is stubborn, she does what she wants. And then by some force, I met someone when I was fine being alone and while I was in the busiest year of my life, still the force made me meet someone 7000k away from me (If I ran there right now would I get there?). 

Is it irony or destiny? Let's examine the facts. If I hadn't watched a video by a Brazilian girl recommending Omegle, waited many days to remember again the name of the site, gone on the site, talked with 99787541 people and not talked to 99787540, MAYBE, but only maybe, I would have met you. You were person number 99787542. And liked you the more we talked. Looking at it this way, I can say that it was destiny. But... 

When I remember the thousands people that are around me, how many boys there are passing around me every day and how many opportunities I had to meet someone and I didn’t want to. Then I met you, who lives beyond the blue sea to north of the Pacific Ocean. Really, it is filled with irony. So let's combine the two; all of this is the fault of ironic fate.

Or maybe it's your fault. Yes, your fault. You understand my humor so well (or no?). In spite of the fact that I don't speak your language well and our conversations are completely by phone or computer. Because you're so beautiful with a beard growing on your face. And I never would prefer something easier, something more affordable, and that is the truth. Ok, the fault is mine too. 

Guy, you're making a mess of me and my life. Not long ago, you arrived. I don't know, 2 months? It's a short period of time to do this much damage. 

This is not a love text of passion dripping from my eyes and despair flowering on my skin. Nope. For the first time in my life, I've never been so calm in relation to a person that made me lose sleep and hunger for one night and one day. But seriously, I'm calm. I want build "it". "It" is us. For the first time in my life, I want try to make it work. I hope you want that too.

I don't know when and on which street I'll meet you. But it will be an event that I'll wait for with all my heart. Because everybody that sees me walking in the street will know that I met you.

And for a finish, I only wish to ask that every day you choose to stay and to try. Because I sincerely only have one desire: to listen to you laugh while listening our favorite song and talking about the reasons of you grow up your beard. I'll be drinking coffee and you your hot chocolate. A desire perfectly mine. A desire completely perfect.

But let's stay calm, take every day at a time. Our motto.

// I WOULD TRADE EVERYTHING FOR YOU! //

I would trade all the hugs that were not true or not paid off, for one  hug now. Trade all the smiles that gave me no happiness for your laugh about why I said something wrong. Trade all the people who occupied a place in my life every day and the people I still haven’t met yet. I would trade all my time thinking about nonsense, to fully think of you.

I do not know when it was that I began to plan my life around seeing you, but it began. And I would change all these moments of planning for an hour with you. I do not know if you've done it, but I've spent a lot of time thinking about the good chill that we will feel when our hands touch for the first time. Everything we've been through will make sense after our first hug. And I will thank you for fighting for us after our first kiss. Have you thought about that?

I think the feeling that invades me when I stop to think is anxiety, and a chill in my stomach. What is your smell? How smooth or rough are your hands? And your hair? Do your feet always get cold? What is the feeling of watching a movie at your side as our feet hug? Was my neck made ​​to receive your chin stubble? I do not know. I think I'm coming to the brink of madness. And I would trade all the craziness that did come, to make one with you. Or two, if you will.

I just want to have you here, or for me to go to you. After all, the order of the factors does not change the product; it’s the only good thing that I learned in mathematics that is useful for life. Well, l do not care much about how things will happen. The important thing is that it does happen. The important thing is that I will  look into your blue eyes and for you to feel very close to me. Because I would trade all my dreams to have you here. I would give up all my projects to see you here for one hour. I do not know what's happening to me, but since you came I would trade anything for you. Even my ice cream for your lips on mine.

// WHAT HE LIKES IN ME? //

You're really smart because you're teaching yourself english which I could never do haha, and you're almost done with college! You understand my jokes and my sarcasm which is really awesome because you aren't a native english speaker. I think you're really funny because you always know what to say to respnd to my jokes so that I laugh haha. You dream big! You see something that you want to accomplish even if it is to travel across the world and you try to do it . You love your family and your friends and you care about them a lot which is really awesome because family is a really important thing. You don't really ever seem to get angry, but then again. I don't annoy you like your mom does haha. And even though you think you look old, you are beautiful.

// ABOUT OUT DISTANCE //

// oh hey dear! //

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